Baltimore +5.5 at Pittsburgh

Each week, almost impossibly, the over/under for Steelers games gets lower and lower. The same with the Ravens. And so it happens that the AFC Championship game, which should be a delightfully cum-filled fuckfest, looks to be a curiously tedious back-and-forth of ass-clenching and cock-blocking. It's enough already, really. Somebody score. Somebody fuck a guy, for Jebus sake. When I watch football, I wanna see some fuckin'! Deep and hard man-sex. Can a guy see a guy fuck a guy in this league anymore? I don't think it's gay to want that. Instead, I've got to spend three hours on a Sunday beating myself raw to the sexless to-and-fro of... punters? Or is it puftas? Mitch Berger. Sam Koch. Say those names and watch your iron-hard man-rod go as limp as overcooked rotini. Still, I'll watch the game. After all, it's playoff football and I'm not queer. I just wish I could watch one big, sweaty, powerful man fuck another handsome, hairy hard-body in the ass, maybe get a little mouth-love for his fat fucktool and both of them cum on each other's face.

Pittsburgh 17, Baltimore 13

Philadelphia -3 at Arizona

Last time these two teams faced each other, Brian Westbrook took it to the hole so hard, so often, so vigorously, the Cards didn't shit right for days. Cock-ramming the Rams a week later restored Arizona's taste for the sweet, soft asses and mouths of submissive men, but they looked positively cumsick against the Vikes and Pats to rear-end the season. Sure, they beat the Falcons and the Panthers, but so could a pickup team from the Missouri State University Bisexual, Gay and Lesbian Alliance. Now they're playing in their first conference championship since 1572, when the Cardinals were named the Quetzal Birds and based in the Aztec city of Tenochtitlan, where they played an ancient precursor of football with ritual overtones named Tlachtli, in which the captain of the losing team would have his head cut off and gleefully brandished by the victors. The game has evolved since then - offensive captain Anquan Boldin will only face the severing of his enormous testicles after Asante Samuel, Sheldon Brown, Brian Dawkins and Quentin Mikell take turns draining their spooj guns into every orifice in his ailing body - but the humiliation before Huitzilopochtli will be no less terrible.

Philadelphia 28, Arizona 20