San Diego +6 at Pittsburgh

Let's face it: Darren Sproles doesn't have a giant penis, he is a giant penis. Literally. The dude is a human fucktool. A 5'6" big, beefy, chocolate dong. He's a cock with eyes. And a mouthpiece. You may think 5 1/2 feet isn't very big to be a football player, but it's fucking huge to be a dick. Think about it. Think about if your unit was over five feet long and built for speed. The damage it could do. Of course, there would be the inconvenience of having to buy your pecker an extra seat on the plane every time you traveled, and having to arrange your seats together, but not in the emergency exit row because, well, there are probably rules against that, having a big massive cock in the emergency exit row. And having to feed it and get that thing through security with everybody staring at it, all horrified and shit. Holy fuck! Is that a big gigantic cock going through the metal detector? I hope it's not on my flight! I don't wanna sit next to a big gigantic cock. Who knows where that big gigantic cock has been?

Well, we know where it's been, don't we? At least lately. It's been in the ass and mouth of each and every Indianapolis Colt. It's been putting a painful dent in the back of Dwight Freeney's throat. It's been pile driving the clumps of bloody stool in Bob Sanders' lower intestine. And this weekend it'll be in western Pennsylvania, at the hallowed confluence of the Allegheny River, the Monongahela River and the Cum River that rushed from its bulbous tip last week at Qualcumm Stadium. And speaking of Rivers and cum, San Diego's hot young quarterback has shown an almost unsettling willingness to douse his opponents with heaping loads of his clotted cream. You could say he's finally cumming into his own... and into the hair, the mouths and the assholes of defenses that have had to face him. But the Steelers are the league's foremost cockblockers, aren't they? If anyone can stanch the spasmodic blasts of searing love lava erupting from Rivers' fuckmeat, it's the Steel Curtain. And it will take at least that, a curtain of steel, to sheath, as if with a human-sized condom, the massive, darting, fleet-footed phallus-erectus that is Darren Sproles. Pittsburgh wins this one by a cunt pimple.

Pittsburgh 17, San Diego 16